Hard to Love
by rubeetuesday
Summary: WARNING MOCKINGJAY SPOILERS! This is a songfic of how Katniss and Peeta grow back together after MJ but pre-epilogue. Set to the song "Hard to Love" by Lee Brice. Hope you enjoy, please review :


_A/N: So this is my first fanfic and songfic, set to the song "Hard to Love" by Lee Brice. Hope you enjoy it, please read and review, it would mean the world to me :) Well, hope you enjoy and even if you don't, let me know, thanks again, sorry for typos, lyrics are in itallics. :D__  
__- Rubeetuesday -_

_I am insensitive I have a tendency to pay more attention to the things that  
I need.  
_

The sun rises up through the windows in my bedroom as I roll over and moan.

"I'm not getting up today." I think as the previous night's nightmares return to me.

It was Prim again. There she was, running through the meadow, happy and carefree, when suddenly a bomb begins to fall from the sky. I scream as she stands there blissfully unaware, and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I scream she doesn't hear me. And then, boom. No more Prim, no more meadow, no more anything.

I feel a cold chill run down my back and yank the covers up over my head, but then I hear him coming. He never walks quietly, especially with his new leg, and I only have a few moments to prepare myself before I hear, "Good Morning Katniss."

He is WAY too happy in the morning. Everyday Peeta tries to come in and wake me up, make me get out of bed, carrying me if he has to, just so I won't sit and sulk. Most days I surrender to his sweet charm, but not today. Not with Prim being blown away so fresh in my mind.

"Go away Peeta!" I scream with such ferocity and such a sneer I can tell I really have frightened the boy with the bread. His eyes have grown so large and his brow knit so tightly in concern I start to feel guilty, and then decide not to waste my time on such a feeling. "Katniss," he begins, and I sigh, loudly, "You know that you need to get up. You'll have a much better day, and so will I knowing that you are enjoying yourself. I NEED you to be happy_,_ it makes me happy."

Ugh, not this mushy, I love you, crap again. "Peeta," I interrupt before he can tell me how much he loves me, "I'm NOT in the mood for one of your speeches today! If you really want to be a good friend and make me happy then leave me the HECK alone."

"Fine," he finally replies after a long and awkward silence, "but only for today, tonight I'm coming back and we'll work on the memory book or something, okay?"

"Whatever, Peeta, just leave." It comes out as a whisper, a harsh whisper.

******************** That Afternoon *************************_  
_

_Sometimes I drink too much, sometimes I test your trust, sometimes I dunno  
Why you're staying with me?_

I stumble into my house, drunk like never before, especially since the only time I've even had any of the horrible liquid was the night the Quarter Quell was announced. I had been at Haymitch's since shortly after Peeta left, drinking his disgusting alcohol while he lay, passed out, in his bedroom. I had given up on sleep, the nightmares being too troubling and thought that maybe a little liquor could cure the nightmares, since it seemed to work for Haymitch.

Boy was I wrong! The alcohol burned my throat and though I did get a few hours of sleep after downing three or four bottles, I woke with such a terrible headache that I didn't find it worth it. How Haymitch could live like this all the time was perplexing to me.

I barely made it to the couch before I collapsed in a heap. The terrible liquid was obscuring my thought process again and I watched the world black out around me.

I wake up an hour or two later to a worried and confused Peeta. He looks happy that I made my way to the couch on my own and I watch him walk over to me and take my hand. Normally I'd object to any such affection, but now I feel horrible and don't care. I give him a slight smile and mutter, "Hi, Peeta."

And that's when the smell hits him. The Horrible stench of alcohol and I watch his beautiful, blue eyes turn dark and angry. "Katniss, what have you been doing today?" He practically yells, and Peeta doesn't yell. I burst into tears and he seeing how unstable I am he takes a softer tone. "Katniss, I just don't want you drinking any more, okay? It's not going to help you and I don't want you to end up like Haymitch. I love you Katniss, so much, and even though you don't love me back I need to take care of you, I need…." But what Peeta needs I wouldn't know because just then the alcohol, that's what I'm saying anyway, takes over and I kiss him, straight on the mouth. I close my eyes and take in the moment, how I've missed kissing Peeta. But suddenly Peeta pulls back and I think he realizes why I did this to him.

"Katniss…" He begins but I try to stop him with another kiss. He jerks away and grabs my shoulders… "Stop." He says firmly, "It's just the alcohol making you do this, you haven't even held my hand since we got back, you don't love me so please stop." Embarrassment takes over so I simply scream, "You're right, Peeta, I don't love you, and NEVER will!"

_I'm hard to love, hard to love; I don't make it easy, __I couldn't do it if I Stood where you stood  
I'm hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don't deserve  
It but I love that you love me. good  
_

I wake up the next morning, head pounding, my pillow wet with tears from the night before. I hate how I talked to Peeta, he is so wonderful, always trying to take care of me, and I just ripped out his heart. I don't deserve him, what did Haymitch say, "I could live a thousand lives and never deserve him." That sounds about right to me.

I bet he hates me, I would hate me, I do hate me. I start to cry, I cry for myself, I cry for Prim and Gale, and all the others who walked out of my life, and I cry for Peeta, the one who came back, but the one that I crushed. I am a terrible person.

Just as my tears are about to dry up I hear a steady thump coming up the stairs. I hurry to the bathroom to wash my face and dry my tears, when I hear a voice behind me, "Hey, Katniss, how do you feel this morning?" And my mind is totally blown. How can Peeta still be here to take care of me and even talk to me after how I acted last night? He is too perfect.

"Peeta, I am so sorry for what happened last night, I didn't mean those things I said, could you ever forgive me?" "I've already forgiven you, Katniss, it wasn't really you saying those things, it was the alcohol, and I understood why you took it, just promise me that you won't do it again." "I promise, Peeta." And then I walked over and gave him a huge hug, I missed him so much, the real him and the real me, together, no hijacking, no crazy depression. For a moment we were both sane and happy and holding each other, I never wanted that moment to end.

_I am a short fuse, I am a wrecking ball crashing into your heart like I do  
You're like a Sunday morning full of grace and full of Jesus I wish that I  
Could be more like you._

The rest of the day was spent apart, Peeta baking and me hunting, but we had agreed to me at my house for dinner. I was really too distracted by the events of the last day to catch any real game, so after shooting a small rabbit, enough for Peeta and I, I headed home. I sat outside skinning the small animal, thinking of hunting, which led to thoughts of my father, then Prim, and finally, Gale. Three people I didn't want to think about, three people whose memory haunts my sleep. I start crying, thinking of young, brave Prim, willing to die to save the Capitol children, she was so perfect.

I get up and walk into the house, tears still flowing, and reach for a plate to put the rabbit on. My hands are shaking so I drop the plate, it shatters everywhere. If I wasn't upset before, I am now. Upset at my weakness, upset that I dropped the plate, upset that I have to clean this up, so I succumbed to the rage inside me and start smashing dish after dish. A bowl smashed for my anger towards Gale, a plate for President Snow, a little tea pot for being abandoned by my mother, any angry feeling I have towards anyone I release it with an angry chuck at the wall. I manage to break a large amount of glass before I slide against the counter and weep in exhaustion. I don't know how long I finally sit there before my saving grace walks in.

He looks around the kitchen startled, but relieved, to see me sitting on the floor, uninjured, though broken. He brushes a half shattered cup to the side and slides down next to me. He wraps his arms around my shoulders and just holds me, saying nothing. He is so calming and gentle, I feel like nothing in the world could hurt me when I'm with Peeta. We sit like this for a while, him holding me, running his fingers lovingly through my hair, though this contact would normally frighten me I welcome it, need it, in order to hold on to my sanity.

After a while Peeta stands up, picking me up with him, and gently carries me upstairs to my bed. He pulls off my shoes and pulls back the sheets as he helps me slide into bed. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and stands up to leave. Suddenly I'm frightened. I can't face the nightmares again tonight, not alone, not without Peeta, my one and only comfort in this twisting world of sadness and rage. I want to ask him to stay with me, even if it's just tonight, but I don't know if I should. I don't want to give him mix signals; I'm so hard to deal with as it is._  
_

_I'm hard to love, hard to love; I don't make it easy, __I couldn't do it if I Stood where you stood,  
I'm hard to love, hard to love, you say that you need me, I don't deserve  
It but I love that you love me. Good  
Love me good_

Images of President Snow and Capitol Mutts begin to fill my head and I feel like I have no choice. He is just closing the door when I call his name, "Peeta?" "Yes, Katniss?" "Stay, Please?" He gives a slight smile and begins to walk back towards the bed. He crawls in next to me and takes me in his big, strong arms, and almost instantly the thoughts of death are gone. He is so amazing, so perfect and I wonder why on earth he would put up with someone like me, someone broken and half-crazy, someone who takes advantage of his love, who pushes him past the brink of normal human tolerance. I don't know how or why Peeta puts up with me, but I'm glad he does.

_Boy you've given me a million second chances and I don't ever wanna take_  
_You for granted, I'm just a girl, I'm just a girl_

I awake the next morning smiling, no nightmares last night, that's a first. I've forgotten how safe I feel lying next to Peeta. But then guilt starts to creep in on me again, am I just using him? Do I really love him? I don't know, and I don't feeling like trying to solve this conundrum right now. Instead I decide to just drink in the quiet, take in the peacefulness that Peeta brings me.

However, that one thought continues to eat away at my comfort. I'm so absorbed in my thoughts that when Peeta whispers "Good Morning," I visibly jump. "Sorry, Katniss, I didn't mean to scare you." "Oh, it's okay, Peeta, I was just doing some thinking." "About what?" Oh great, you had to go there didn't you Peeta, had to give me the opportunity to get this weight off my chest. He's so perfect, even when he isn't trying to be.

"Peeta," How the heck do I phrase this? "Why do you stay with me? Why are you always so perfect? You always know what to say to me, how to take care of me. But, why do you do it? I'm so broken and messed up it's hard to imagine any reason why someone would want to deal with all this crap. You forgive me for everything, always make excuses for me, and I just want to know why." Wow, I feel a lot better now that I said that, but what is he going to say. Maybe he'll realize him loving me _IS_ stupid and just leave me, that's what everyone else has done.

"Well," Peeta begins; I can tell he's puzzled by my sudden outburst. "I guess I stay with you through everything because I love you." I start to roll my eyes and sigh but he keeps going. "I love you more than anything in the whole world, and I always will. Besides, Katniss, even if I didn't love you besides Haymitch you're the only family I have left, and even on your worst days you're a whole heck of a lot better than him."

"So you don't think that I'm being a burden on you, or using you or anything? And don't just say no, Peeta, I'm asking because I really want to know, I really want to make things better between us." "Okay, well being brutally honest, some days I find you unbearable. You can be totally irrational and irritable and I just want to quit, give up on you. But then I think about how amazing you are, and how one day when you're feeling better, whether you love me or not it will all work out. We'll live good happy lives and every time I think that it makes that day more manageable."

"I'll try to be better, Peeta, I promise." "I'd like that, Katniss." Suddenly the day is feeling a lot better and I have a strong desire to go hunting, try to get life back to normal, whatever that is. I start to roll over when an idea crosses my mind; I give Peeta a quick kiss on the cheek, before I roll over out of the bed. I glance over my shoulder as he smiles, "What was that for?" He asks me slightly confused, "For always being there for me. Now, I'll see you later, Peeta, I'm going hunting." With that last remark I dash down the stairs, grabbing my hunting gear on the way out, leaving a slightly bewildered Peeta in my bed.

_Hard to love, hard to love, oh I don't make it easy_  
_And I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood.  
I'm hard to love, hard to love and you say that you need me, I don't  
deserve it but I love that you love me. Good. (x2)_

I'm on my way home from hunting, thinking about what a great day it's been, thinking that I will do everything in my power to stay sane for Peeta. After all, if he has to deal with his crazy hijacking episodes and my irrational behavior at the same time it is the least I can do to make life easier on him. Suddenly, my day is turned upside down sitting there on the front step is a flower, a white rose. I don't know where it came from, or who sent it, but the one thought I've been avoiding jumps to my mind; my utter hatred for President Snow. Though Snow is long dead by now his memory stirs up many of the others I've tried to burry, and I can't take it any longer. I collapse right there on the front steps and burst in to tears. Wailing is more like it. I scream and cry and curse the stupid Capitol and everyone that took away the things I loved. I cry over stupid Gale and my mother for abandoning me, I cry for Finnick and little Prim who died in a rebellion I started, I wept over Peeta who had to deal with me and my insanity, and I wept for me, for being insane.

When I thought my tears were all but gone I see Peeta coming up the walk way towards me, he knows that something was wrong. He sits down next to me and pulls me close to him. He holds me tight and the tears start flowing again. He simply sits and strokes my hair telling me that it will all be fine and not to worry. I simply nod and point at the big, white rose sitting on the doormat. Peeta's eyes grow wide with anger as he realizes what has started my fit. He then grabs the rose and rips it to shreds before throwing it into the wind.

Afterward he picks me up; I guess he realized I was too tired from crying to move, and once again carries me up to my bed. He lays me down gently and takes off my shoes, again. I sigh, "Peeta, you always do so much for me. I don't know how you do it, but I really, truly appreciate it." I smile up at him and he smiles back, "It's no problem Katniss, really." I look up at him, he is so amazing. That's when it hits me; I sit up and lean in towards Peeta, kissing him gently. Then I just hold him with my head resting on his chest. "Katniss," he whispers as if he's afraid of the answer, "you love me, real or not real?" I smiled up and kissed him again, "Real."


End file.
